"I love him completely and I also miss who I used to be" is one of the most common, least-discussed sentences in early parenthood. The cultural script says that having a baby is a happy event you simply slot into, that love does the rest, and that any lingering grief, ambivalence, or loss of self is something to keep private. The actual experience for most parents is considerably messier — and the gap between the two is itself one of the harder parts.
There is a name for what's happening: matrescence — the developmental transition into motherhood, modelled on adolescence. Knowing this is a real, named, well-documented process changes the meaning of the experience. The Healthbooq app covers parental wellbeing through the early years.
Matrescence and Patrescence: The Concepts
Dana Raphael, an American anthropologist, coined the word matrescence in her 1973 book The Tender Gift: Breastfeeding. She drew the parallel deliberately with adolescence — both are major biological, psychological, social, and identity transitions that take months to years to complete, both involve hormonal upheaval, both involve renegotiating relationships and place in the world, and both are recognised cross-culturally even if the cultural framing varies.
Alexandra Sacks, a New York-based reproductive psychiatrist, brought matrescence into wider clinical and public conversation through a 2017 New York Times essay and a TED talk that became one of the most-watched on parenting. Her clinical reframing of common postpartum experiences as developmental rather than pathological has been widely adopted in perinatal mental health work.
Patrescence is the parallel concept for fathers and non-birthing parents. The biological underpinnings are different but real — Anna Machin (evolutionary anthropologist, University of Oxford) and Lee Gettler's work (Notre Dame) document the hormonal shifts in expecting and new fathers: testosterone drops by 30% on average post-birth, prolactin rises, oxytocin levels shift in patterns linked to caregiving behaviour. These are not minor adjustments; they are biological repurposing toward parenting.
The core idea behind both terms: becoming a parent is a process, not an event, and the process involves real psychological work that runs on its own timeline regardless of how the baby is doing.
The Neuroscience Has Caught Up
For decades, the experience of "I don't feel like myself" in new motherhood was treated as either subjective complaint or evidence of postnatal depression. The neuroimaging work of the past decade has changed this.
Elseline Hoekzema at Leiden University ran a landmark study published in Nature Neuroscience (2017) — the first to scan women's brains pre-pregnancy, post-pregnancy, and at two years postpartum, with a male control group and a non-pregnant female control group. Findings:
- Pregnancy produced specific, measurable reductions in grey-matter volume in regions associated with social cognition (the medial prefrontal cortex, posterior cingulate, and superior temporal sulcus).
- The reductions persisted for at least two years post-birth (the length of the follow-up).
- The pattern was so distinctive that an algorithm could classify women as having been pregnant or not based on brain scans alone.
- The volume reductions correlated with measures of mother-infant attachment quality.
Hoekzema's interpretation, consistent with adolescence: this is synaptic pruning — the brain reorganising and specialising for parenting, much as adolescent brains prune for adult functioning. Pruning isn't loss in a deficit sense; it's specialisation. The same principle of "use it or lose it" that operates during adolescence operates during pregnancy.
Subsequent imaging work by Hoekzema and others (Susanna Carmona at the Gregorio Marañón Hospital, Madrid; Jodi Pawluski at Rennes) has shown:
- Similar but smaller changes in fathers who become primary caregivers
- Hormonal mediators (oestradiol surge during pregnancy is associated with the magnitude of grey-matter change)
- Brain activation patterns specific to viewing one's own infant
This isn't a metaphorical "you're becoming a different person." It's a structurally remodelled brain. The disorientation makes biological sense.
What Matrescence Actually Feels Like
The features that show up consistently in clinical descriptions and qualitative research:
Ambivalence. The simultaneous experience of love and resentment, joy and grief, gratitude and longing. Loving the baby intensely and also resenting what the baby has done to your sleep, your body, your relationship, your career. The Latin root of "ambivalence" is literally "both strengths" — both feelings are real and don't cancel each other out. This was named explicitly by Rozsika Parker in her 1995 book Torn in Two, and has been a central concept in psychoanalytic perinatal work since.
Grief for the pre-baby self. Mourning the woman or person you were, the relationship you had with your partner, how you spent weekends, what you used to read, how you slept, the unhurried meal, the sense of self-continuity. This grief is not regret about the baby. It's grief about the version of you that existed before, who is genuinely no longer accessible in the same form. Acknowledging it directly, rather than treating it as ingratitude, is one of the things clinicians who work with new mothers most often say helps.
Loss of recognised identity markers. The job role, the friendships built around shared interests, the creative work, the body, the social life, the sleep. The things that constituted a sense of self in the pre-baby world become inaccessible or marginal. This is genuinely disorienting and rarely discussed.
Changed relationships. Friendships shift. People without children sometimes find new parents harder to be with; people with older children often forget what the early months were like. The partner relationship changes — sometimes deepening, often strained, frequently unrecognisable. The relationship with one's own parents often shifts as becoming a parent oneself reframes one's parents' choices.
Time distortion. Days that feel impossibly long, weeks that vanish, the sensation of being out of sync with one's own previous timeline. This is partly the sleep deprivation, partly the relentless presence of the baby, partly the identity upheaval.
A sense of disorientation that is not depression. Not low mood. Not loss of interest. Not hopelessness. More like the experience of returning from a long trip and finding the furniture has been moved — recognisable but unfamiliar.
These features are normal. They don't go away in three weeks. The full transition into a settled new identity often takes 1–3 years, sometimes longer for second pregnancies that compound the load.
Why It's Poorly Acknowledged
Several factors converge:
Cultural focus on the baby. Antenatal classes, healthcare appointments, family attention, social media — the postnatal period is presented as primarily about the infant. The mother's psychological experience, beyond the standard mood/anxiety screens, gets minimal structured attention.
Performance pressure. New parenthood is supposed to be the happiest time. Admitting to ambivalence or grief feels ungrateful, or dangerous (will social workers be called? will my partner think I don't love the baby?). The silencing makes the experience more isolating, which compounds it.
The medical/lay binary. Clinical focus on postnatal depression and anxiety — entirely necessary and important — has created an unintended either/or: you're fine, or you have a diagnosable condition. Matrescence sits in the middle. Many parents who don't meet criteria for any disorder are nonetheless going through real upheaval, and the absence of a name for it can make them assume something is wrong with them specifically.
Generational silence. Many of our mothers' generation didn't have the language for this, didn't talk about it, and may push back against admissions of difficulty ("we just got on with it"). This isn't malicious; it's reflective of a different era's expectations.
The "intensive mothering" cultural shift described by sociologist Sharon Hays — the late-20th-century intensification of expectations around what good mothering involves — has raised the bar without raising the support. The result: more guilt about not meeting an unmeetable standard, less permission to acknowledge the cost.
Patrescence: The Father / Non-Birthing Parent Version
Less written about and equally real. The transition for fathers and non-birthing partners involves:
- Hormonal shifts. Testosterone drops, prolactin and oxytocin rise (Gettler et al.). These shifts begin during pregnancy in fathers who are emotionally engaged with the pregnancy and continue postnatally.
- Brain changes. Smaller-magnitude grey-matter changes in fathers who become primary caregivers (Hoekzema and others).
- Identity reorganisation. The shift from partner to father, from independent agent to family member, from "career first" to "balancing." Often involving grief for the previous freedom alongside love for the child.
- Role uncertainty. Many new fathers feel sidelined in the early months — not feeding, not the primary attachment figure, often returning to work quickly with limited UK paternity leave (statutory two weeks). The combination of identity upheaval without a clear caregiving role can be genuinely difficult.
- Mental health risk. Around 10% of fathers experience postnatal depression, often presenting differently from the maternal version (irritability, withdrawal, alcohol use, "checking out").
For non-birthing partners in same-sex couples, single fathers, and step-parents, similar transitions occur with their own particular features. Anna Machin's The Life of Dad (2018) is a good UK overview.
Distinguishing Matrescence from a Mental Health Condition
This is genuinely important because matrescence is normal and self-limiting; clinical conditions need treatment.
Matrescence:- Disorientation, ambivalence, grief — fluctuating
- Real moments of pleasure with the baby
- Function intact, even if effortful
- Sleeping when the baby sleeps (mostly)
- Connection with the baby felt, even when ambivalent about other things
- Identity feels in flux but not absent
- Some weeks better than others, gradual settling
- Persistent low mood for 2+ weeks
- Loss of pleasure across activities
- Difficulty bonding with the baby — feeling indifferent or numb
- Sleep difficulty even when baby sleeps
- Suicidal thoughts, hopelessness
- Function impaired
- Worry that doesn't respond to reassurance
- Panic attacks, physical symptoms
- Avoidance (won't leave the house, won't let others hold baby)
- Severe insomnia despite exhaustion
- Intrusive thoughts of harm
If you're unsure which you're experiencing, the GP, health visitor, or NHS Talking Therapies (self-referral) can help sort it out. The fact that matrescence is normal doesn't mean clinical conditions don't exist; both are real, and they sometimes overlap.
What Helps
The interventions are mostly low-cost, mostly relational, and mostly already known by parents who get it.
Naming it. This sounds insufficient and it isn't. Knowing that what's happening has a name, is recognised in clinical and anthropological literature, and is normal rather than pathological, repeatedly comes up as one of the most useful things in qualitative research. Sacks's TED talk, Lucy Jones's book Matrescence (2023, UK author and journalist), Aurélie Athan's work at Columbia — all have made this language available in a way it hadn't been previously.
Permission to not perform. At least in some relationships and spaces, being honest about ambivalence, grief, or hard days. The PANDAS Foundation, NCT groups, and online matrescence-focused communities (the "Matrescence" movement on Instagram and Substack has brought significant traction) can be spaces for this.
Identity continuity. Maintaining at least some threads of the pre-baby self, however small. A weekly run. A book on the bedside table. A friend texted regularly. A creative project still in motion in some reduced form. Not to pretend nothing has changed, but to prevent complete rupture. This is what the developmental psychology literature on transition points consistently describes as protective: continuity of self through change.
Honest partnership conversation. Couples who can talk explicitly about how each person is experiencing the transition do better than those who can't. This requires both people willing to hear something uncomfortable, and both willing to sit with the other's grief without trying to fix it. Worth booking time for, ideally not at 11 pm during a bad night.
Therapy without crisis. Individual talking therapy or couples therapy doesn't require a diagnosable problem to be useful. NHS Talking Therapies takes self-referrals; private therapists (BACP, BPC, UKCP registers) are accessible at varying price points; Tavistock Relationships and Relate offer relationship-focused work. Therapists who specialise in perinatal work, or in life transitions, are particularly useful.
Physical recovery time. The mother's body is recovering from a major event for at least 6 weeks (most), sometimes 6–12 months (after caesarean section, complicated births, breastfeeding). Trying to "bounce back" against this biology is one of the consistent stressors. Permission to recover slowly is itself protective.
Reading. A short list that comes up repeatedly:- Lucy Jones, Matrescence (2023) — UK perspective, science-rich
- Alexandra Sacks & Catherine Birndorf, What No One Tells You
- Anna Machin, The Life of Dad
- Rozsika Parker, Torn in Two (more clinical)
- Sarah Knott, Mother Is a Verb — historical view of mothering across centuries
Where the UK System Helps (and Where It Doesn't)
The UK perinatal mental health investment under the NHS Long Term Plan has substantially improved access for those with diagnosable conditions. For those experiencing matrescence without a diagnosable condition, the formal system has less to offer, but several things are useful:
- Health visitors — non-judgemental conversation, can see what's available locally, often the first person to validate that the experience is normal.
- Family Hubs / Children's Centres — postnatal groups, peer connection, drop-ins.
- NCT postnatal groups — varied in quality, but the better ones are excellent for connecting with other new parents.
- PANDAS Foundation — peer support specifically focused on perinatal mental health and identity.
- Home-Start — volunteer home-visiting; particularly good for families who feel isolated.
- Maternal Mental Health Alliance directory — for finding specialist services.
When to Get Help
Routine — start the conversation:- Persistent ambivalence or grief that isn't easing after 3–4 months
- Sense that you're not coping
- Not enjoying any aspect of new parenthood
- Strain in the partnership
- Loss of friendships and not knowing how to rebuild
- Wanting to talk something through
- Persistent low mood for 2+ weeks
- Loss of bonding with the baby — feeling numb or indifferent
- Suicidal thoughts
- Panic attacks
- Increasing intrusive thoughts
- Functional impairment
- Active suicidal intent
- Suspected postpartum psychosis (rapid mood swings, severe insomnia, confused thinking, strange beliefs)
- NHS Talking Therapies (England)
- PANDAS Foundation 0808 1961 776
- Birth Trauma Association
- Tommy's pregnancy and postpartum support
- Maternal Mental Health Alliance directory
- Samaritans 116 123 / Shout 85258
What Helps Long-Term
Three things that hold up:
- Recognise this is a developmental transition, not a personal failure. The disorientation is real, biologically based, and time-limited. The brain is structurally remodelling. The grief is reasonable. None of it means you don't love the baby or that you're not coping.
- Maintain threads of the pre-baby self in whatever form is possible. Not to deny the change, but to prevent rupture. The version of you that existed before isn't gone; she's being incorporated into a larger, slightly different self. Continuity helps.
- Find your people. Other parents going through the same thing, ideally in honest conversation rather than performed cheer. Real friendship in this phase is one of the most consistent protective factors in the perinatal mental health literature, and one of the things that makes the transition land more gently.
The settled identity on the other side of matrescence isn't a return to the previous self. It's a new equilibrium, often deeper, often more interesting, often more compassionate. But getting there takes time, and the time is its own legitimate experience — not something to power through or apologise for.
Key Takeaways
The transition to parenthood involves a documented developmental upheaval — anthropologist Dana Raphael called it 'matrescence' in 1973, drawing the parallel with adolescence; reproductive psychiatrist Alexandra Sacks brought the concept into mainstream clinical practice from 2017 onward. The neuroscience now backs this up: Elseline Hoekzema's group at Leiden showed in a landmark 2017 Nature Neuroscience paper that pregnancy produces measurable, lasting reductions in grey-matter volume in regions associated with social cognition — biological evidence that the brain is being structurally remodelled, not just hormonally bumped. Patrescence is the parallel concept for fathers and non-birthing parents (Anna Machin's University of Oxford work documents the testosterone, prolactin, and oxytocin changes in fathers). Ambivalence, grief for the pre-baby self, and disorientation are normal features of this transition, not symptoms of pathology — and naming them as such is one of the most consistent things parents say helped.
